Resolution (Saviour)
RESOLUTION
By Lesley Jones
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to real events, real people, and real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places and incidents are products of the Author’s imagination and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, organisations or places is entirely coincidental.
Resolution
(Book 2 – Saviour Series)
Copyright © 2013 Lesley Jones
All rights are reserved. This book is intended for the purchaser of this e-book ONLY. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system, without the express written permission of the Author.
WARNING
This e-book contains sexually explicit scenes and adult language and may be considered offensive to some readers. This e-book is intended for adults ONLY. Please store your files wisely, where they cannot be accessed by under-aged readers.
DEDICATION
For Lou
The bravest person I have ever known
TABLE OF CONTENTS
DEDICATION
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 15
CHAPTER 16
CHAPTER 17
CHAPTER 18
CHAPTER 19
CHAPTER 20
CHAPTER 21
CHAPTER 22
CHAPTER 23
CHAPTER 24
CHAPTER 25
CHAPTER 26
CHAPTER 27
CHAPTER 28
CHAPTER 29
CHAPTER 30
EPILOGUE
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
A MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR
CHAPTER 1
I blink continuously. Trying to think of what to say. Or more to the point, how to say it, there’s not a yes or no answer to his question. Well there is but it needs to come with an explanation and I know as I look him in the eye that I’ve hesitated a moment too long and he knows what’s coming. My mouths gone dry and I feel sick to my stomach, choosing my words very carefully I start.
“Gabe... I love you; you mean everything to me, what we have, what we’ve found these past weeks is more than I ever could have hoped for, I’ve had one chance at love already and I seriously thought that for me, at my age, I wouldn’t get the chance to feel like this again but, because of you and for you, I have been lucky enough to experience it again, I know it’s only been a short while and so much has happened but I do know for sure that I love and if you want me, I’m yours for the rest of our lives, but I can't marry you; I’m not even divorced yet so it would be illegal anyway, it's not worth even discussing till then.”
I laugh nervously; did any of that make sense? He’s still kneeling on the floor, staring back, saying nothing, I can read the hurt in his eyes, and he is the last person in the world I would want to hurt. “Gabe, please stand up.”
I'm getting nervous now; he's still just staring at me blankly. He tilts his head to one side and blows out a long breath; looking down at the floor he shakes his head.
He stands and leans back against the shiny new car, crossing his arms across his chest and his long legs out in front of him. In that moment the only word that comes to mind is, magical, it makes me want to giggle but that’s the word that’s stuck in my head and I can’t get rid of it and it describes how he appears to me perfectly, he’s everything I could ever wish for and some. He has a beautiful heart, the face of an angel, he loves me, he wants to love and take care of me forever. The fact that he has a rocking body, a huge dick, which he uses with sexpert precision is also a bonus but this is isn’t a fairy tale. We don’t live in Once Upon A Time or Happy Ever After Land. This is real life, where hearts break and can’t be fixed by a single kiss, people lie and cheat; they let you down and despite swearing to never do so. Sometimes they do all of these things on purpose, I’ve stood in front of God, in a church and listened to a man swear to love and protect me forever and it was all a lie, so why would I want to go back there again. I love him and I want to be with him, I don’t feel the need to stand in front of anyone and say that out loud to make it a fact, it already is and there’s not a priest, a vicar, a judge, or any God you happen to believe in that can change that fact, marriage is not a path I want to go down again, it led me to a lonely place before and I really am not ready to find myself there again.
Eventually he looks up at me and my heart shudders in my chest, I’ve hurt him and I instantly feel like shit, I’m trying to think of how to word this so that he doesn’t feel like I’m rejecting him, there’s nothing I want more than to spend the rest of my life with him, but I really no longer see the point of marriage.
I go to speak but he jumps in first. “You stayed married to that fucker for years while he was beating and humiliating you, but you won't marry me?”
I scramble for an answer. “This isn’t about you or him, it’s about what I want, what I need, right now in my life.”
“And it’s obviously not me.”
“I didn't say that, I would never say that, I do need you! And I didn’t say I wouldn't marry you, I said I couldn't. I'm still married, I will be for at least the next twelve months, or however long it takes to get a divorce, we can talk about it again then, when it’s actually an option. Ask me again then, if you still want to that is, or I will happily ask you if that’s the place we’re at in a years’ time. Why can’t we just be together now and enjoy what we’ve found and see where it takes us? We can’t say for sure where we will even be in a years’ time.”
His stance changes, his hands go to his hips and the blue of his eyes has clouded over, darkened, I’ve pissed him off and that’s so not what I aimed to do. This is all falling apart around me but I don’t want to get married and I won’t be bullied into it.
“I can, I can say for sure where I will be in a years’ time. Or at least where I hope to be, it’s with you Lauren, with you, because I know, I’m sure that I will still want you in a years’ time, you obviously don't share that confidence. I thought we were on the same page here, but no worries, my mistake, I obviously got us and what we mean to each other all wrong.”
He starts to walk away from me, back into the house. I’m angry now, he’s not listening to what I’m saying and this is one argument I’m not going to drop, we need to get it sorted and he needs to know that it’s not him I’m rejecting. It’s the concept of marriage, right now and he’s not doing anything to convince me by behaving like a child and storming off. That’s my job, he doesn’t get to walk away from me.
I shout after him. “Don't walk away from me, you’re behaving like a brat, we need to talk about this, I didn't say I wouldn't, I said I couldn't, there's a big difference Gabe.”
He swings around and takes a step back towards me, getting right in my face and instinctively, I flinch and step backwards, falling flat on my arse as I do so. He stops dead in his tracks as I look up at him and whatever he was going to say he stops and drops down onto the floor next to me and pulls me into his lap and kisses my head through my hair, sending me to my happy place, despite the fact we are arguing.
“No, no, no I'm sorry baby, I’m sorry, don't ever flinch like that from me, I would never raise a hand to you, never. I am not him. I didn't mean to scare you, I'm sorry. I just don't get it. I love you Lauren, I fuck
in’ love you so much, and I don’t know what to do with it all. It’s like it’s bursting out of me and I don’t where to put it, I don’t want to smother you with it but I want to wrap you and keep you warm and safe in it. I want to spend the rest of my life with you; I thought you wanted the same.”
I can't help but smile at his honesty, I know this is new to him; perhaps marriage is just a knee jerk reaction for him – the obvious thing to do in his mind? Apparently this is the first time he has been in love and he feels marriage is the way to go; I just need to get my point across. It’s not about him, it’s about marriage, and I don’t know how to make that fact any clearer. I take his face in my hands.
“I love you too and I do want to spend the rest of my life with you, but can we just slow things down a bit? It’s been three weeks Gabe, three weeks and you’re proposing marriage? What if you change your mind, what if in a years’ time, you have had enough of being with me, what if you get tired of being with someone older? Where does that leave me?”
Okay – so that’s not where I was originally going with this, but now I’m thinking – perhaps my age, issues and hang ups are really what are going on here, perhaps they are what are holding me back from making any kind of commitment.
“Is that what this is all about?” He shakes his head at me. “If I wasn't 100% sure of my feelings, I would not be having this conversation, your age is totally irrelevant to me, I love you, not your date of birth and you are the only woman I have ever wanted to marry. Nobody knows completely what's going to happen over the space of a year. Look at how much our lives have changed in less than a month.”
He wraps his arms around me tighter. We are still sitting on the ground in the middle of the drive, Gabe’s back is leaning against the car and I’m sitting in his lap.
“I love you enough to take a chance Lauren, I am sure enough of my feelings to make that commitment to you now, it’s taken my whole life to have these feelings, I’m thirty five, I know who I am and what I want from life. At least I did until you turned up and rocked it, but I love that, I love you and I don’t plan on letting you go. Ever. All this insecurity has got to stop baby, I love you, you and everything that makes you who you are. I’m not him.”
His eyes are searching mine; darting over my face, then back to my eyes. One last try at making myself clear.
“I don't think I believe in marriage anymore Gabe, I don't know right now if I ever want to get married again, right now I actually think it's pointless. I want to be with you, but why make vows you don’t intend to keep? Marriage let me down once, I’m just not ready to go there again yet.”
“So once again, I am left to deal with all the issues, shit and miss trust he has left you with?”
Jeeeezus! I’m banging my head against a wall here – that last comment instantly pisses me off.
“Yes Gabe, actually you are. You have known since the beginning that if you took me on, then you would be taking on all of my shit and issues too. Perhaps you need to take a step back and have a long hard think about what you do want. Am I worth all the shit that I am obviously putting you through? Can you handle all of the issues that I have? Issues that ‘Marriage’ to that prick left me with.”
I use air quotes around the word marriage to make my point, I’m on a roll now and am far from finished yet.
“And perhaps while you’re having a little think about whether you’re man enough to take me on? I will do the same, and take some time to think about whether I want to be with someone that has most likely fucked his way through the majority of the female population, of the state of Victoria! And just to make my life a little more difficult, I now have to work with a woman that you not only fucked, but had a full on affair with. Do I want that, do I really need that kind of shit in my life right now? That’s what I need to be thinking about. While you consider me and my issues.”
I should have shut up, but my nasty, spiteful mouth forgets to engage my brain in this conversation. “And don’t even get me started on Jackie and how interesting and awkward that’s going to make all of our family gatherings.”
I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. That was such a low thing to say. He pushes me off his lap and stands.
“Fuck you Lauren!”
Leave it there. Leave it there Lauren. But no, my Essex smart mouthed self takes over.
“Yes please Gabe, but only if you’ve got the time between shagging my boss and your step mother.”
Noooo… I didn’t just say that did I??? Out loud??? I am the worse person on the planet, the tears that have been stinging the backs of my eyes, fall the instant that I look at his face. He looks shattered, defeated.
“Gabe,” I put my hand out too him but he knocks it away and shakes his head.
I’m so ashamed of what I’ve said. How does a marriage proposal end up like this? I turn and walk back inside, leaving him standing alone on the drive. We need some space so we can both calm down. My bottom lip is trembling as I stomp up the stairs and my tears are falling in complete mortification at what I just said to him. I grab Gabe’s cigarettes and lighter and go out onto the balcony and light one up. I hear the gates to the drive open and see his car pull out onto the esplanade and drive off. Now I can't stop the tears, I'm hurt and so fucking angry with myself. I sob through gritted teeth.
I go back inside and pour myself a glass of wine and slump down on the sofa and let out a very deep breath. He proposes marriage and I go and bring up the fact that he was abused. Who does that? Me, that’s who. I don’t deserve him, perhaps Jason’s right, he slapped and pulled me about because I deserved it, I’m a nasty spiteful bitch, with a nasty spiteful mouth and it may have quite possibly cost me my future.
I finish my wine and pour myself another just as I hear the gates open. Gabriel's back, I wonder where he's been and I wonder if he’s staying or will he ask me to leave? I’ve so fucked things up this time, I press my fingertips into my scalp as I try to think of what I’m going to say to him, how to let him know how sorry I am, but a minute later there's a knock at the front door, the last time that happened when I was here alone, it had been Jay that had barged his way in. I set down my glass and pad quietly down the stairs, it was obviously someone that knew the code to the drive to have got in this far, I try to take some calming breaths as I make my way down, but I still feel an icy unease spread down my spine. As I reach the last few steps, the front door opens and Sam puts her head around the door.
“Lauren, should you be up and about, where's Gabe?”
I'm not sure if it’s the glass of wine, the argument with Gabe, the proposal, anger at myself and my unforgivable words, events from last night or just everything about my life in general, but I flop down onto the bottom step and sob.
“Hey, hey. What's happened, what's going on, are you okay?”
The tears come thick and fast, I have a lump in my throat the size of Queensland and I can't get any words out around it.
Sam comes and sits on the stairs and puts her arms around me, saying nothing as I cry, after a few minutes all I can manage is, “Gabriel proposed.”
She leans away from me, with a truly astonished look on her face. “Shut. The. Front. Door! Gabe, did what, he proposed?”
I nod, it’s all I can manage.
“Fair dinkum. What did you say?”
“I said no and he, he got really, really pissed off with me.”
I try to speak and breathe and sob and make sense, but this is multitasking at its most extreme and I’ve had two glasses of wine and it’s a struggle.
“I thought he was going to hit me.”
“What!?” Sam yells.
“Well no, not hit me, he wouldn’t do that, Gabe would never do that. It’s just habit and I fell, and he was on the floor and then he pissed me off again so I was a bitch and I threw Karen Palmer and Jackie in his face, and he drove off and left me, he left me here on my own and when you knocked I thought, I thought it was Jason again and that he'd come back.”
“Ssssshhh, calm, calm, calm, slow down, slow down, let's go upstairs, you shouldn't be getting yourself worked up like this, you've been through enough lately.”
She helps me stand, we walk upstairs and she passes me my drink and pours herself one as I sit on the sofa, the wine is gone in an instant, Sam goes to the fridge and pulls out another bottle, she tops us both up and then hands me some paper towel off the bench top, I wipe my eyes and nose with it.
“Fuck, I'm sorry, what a fucking mess. Again, everything is always such a mess with us; nothing is ever simple or straightforward, I’m so over it. I should have just said yes, he wants to marry me; I want to be with him. I should have just said yes, I’m an idiot, I’m a fuckin idiot who just doesn’t know when to shut up, and what I said was unforgivable.”
I can feel myself getting hysterical again and sob as I speak the last sentence.
“Slow down Lauren and tell me exactly what has happened, who’s Karen Palmer? The name sounds familiar?”
I take a swig of my wine and take a deep breath and tell her about the last few hour’s events and what has been said. I tell her about working for Karen Palmer and what happened when Gabe met me at her new home and I tell her the story of Karen and Gabe’s affair. We make our way outside and sit with our wine and smoke a cigarette as I finish talking.